My Journey

“People may call what happens at midlife a crisis, but it’s not. It’s an unraveling—a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re “supposed” to live. The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are.” Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

What are your needs, wants, and desires? When was the last time you took even 5 minutes to consider what makes you happy, healthy, and well? When was the last time you discussed with your significant other, friends, or family members what these things mean to you, your relationship, and your family? My guess is NEVER, or it was a fleeting thought, moment, or conversation.

I believe you were focused from a young age, excelling in sports and school, eventually earning a degree and building a career you're proud of. You probably even have a beautiful home and a picture-perfect family. You checked off everything on an invisible list that you somehow created based on what you thought you wanted or at least what you believed was expected of you. You likely never looked back and assumed that what you wanted as a child would bring you happiness as an adult. You believed that happiness would come after achieving your goals, and that all it took to be happy was patience and hard work.

Have you ever made excuses for why you may not be happy? I will be happy when I graduate with my degree and get my dream job. I will be happy when I lose 20 pounds. I will be happy when I get my test results back. I will be happy when the kids’ sports are over. I will be happy when my spouse works less. Or I will be happy when I get a raise and a new car. I will be happy when the kids are potty trained... The excuses are endless.

I know what this feels like because I was there. I had two degrees, a successful husband, and four beautiful girls. I gave up working to stay home with our girls so that I could help create the vision of perfection that I had in my head ever since playing M.A.S.H on the playground with my friends. Staying at home with my kids became my full-time and part-time job. I put my kids, husband, house, and extended family first. I based my success on their success. That was my reward for being a good mom; that was all I thought I needed. That is where I thought I would find my happiness. I thought my happiness would come from something or someone out there.

We had what looked like a perfect life, and I could prove it by the beautiful pictures of our family that hung on every floor of our house. I had a running list of what it meant to be perfect in my head, and I made decisions that helped me check things off that list, regardless of whether that was what I really wanted at that moment in my life. I slowly but surely took my wants, needs, and desires out of the picture to carry out what I thought was expected of me. At first, this felt wonderful. We had a perfect house, the kids were doing great socially and in school, and my husband was becoming more and more successful every day. I was finally being rewarded with all my childhood dreams, but there was still a small, quiet inner voice whispering to me that something was wrong… what about me? Is this all there is to life? I kept busy decorating, planning nutritious meals, cleaning, scrolling through social media, and focusing on other people’s problems. These thoughts were wrong. I could not complain; I have a perfect life.

The voices grew louder after I met with my doctor for my annual exam. It was the first checkup I had in 6 years because I was so busy taking care of others and perhaps a little too eager to hide the possibility that it would be discovered that I was not perfect, that something might be wrong with me. The doctor read through all of my labs and stats. My weight, perfect. Check. My blood pressure, perfect. Check. Cholesterol, perfect. Check. And this list went on and on, and at the end, I declared myself PERFECT! I had it all, perfect health, and a perfect family. My sense of perfection was short-lived. As I waited there quietly, my doctor asked me a set of different questions. These were all used to assess depression. No one had ever asked me these questions before, and I never once wondered if I was depressed. Question after question, I lied to her and to myself. Knowing the right answer to each question but sinking further and further into the feeling that something could be wrong, not normal, and more importantly, not perfect! I left her office, and no one knew my secret except my inner voice, which I pushed deep down inside me.

Shortly after this visit, the floor fell out from under my feet. Our brand-new house’s roof leaked, one kid was getting bullied at school, another was struggling with schoolwork, the baby had a severe peanut allergy, my husband's job became stressful and all-consuming, and we were barely together or talking. I was constantly on the move with a car full of kids who desperately didn’t want to be in a car all day, all while trying to provide picture-perfect Instagram-worthy lunches and a three-course dinner, which no one was home to eat. Despite all the wonderful things that I accomplished on my list, something was missing. None of these things made me happy, and the world was spinning out of control all around me.

I was anxious, stressed, distressed, angry, and depressed. I was so busy running from one event and appointment to another, doing homework, fixing up our house, and dealing with problems at school and work that I never took the time to sit down and listen to my inner voice that was getting louder and stronger and was desperately crying for help. I always blamed someone else and had so many “if only and then I would be happy” that I could write a book on that topic alone. I was so full of resentment, and life was no longer fun or even enjoyable. What was I working so hard for, if this was what life was going to be? In a moment of frustration with my husband and our situation, I asked him, “What do you need, want, and desire to be happy?” I felt dejected when he had no answer to my question. Up until this point, he had been living from one goal to the next, a goal that he set as a kid, and he never considered what he truly needed to be happy. Instead, he was focused on what was expected of him. This was upsetting, but not as upsetting as when he threw the question back at me. I had no answer; I did not even know where to begin. I was almost 40 years old, and I had no idea who I was anymore. We had both been living from an outdated set of expectations. I was a shell of the person that I once was, and I was haunted by this question morning, noon, and night. This led to the beginning of my midlife awakening, my own personal wellness journey. A journey that I am still currently on and will continue to be on for the rest of my life. A journey of unraveling all of the ideals of perfection I dreamt up as a kid, am exposed to through the media and social media, and all of the should-haves and could-haves thrown at me from well-meaning strangers and family members. I have read hundreds of hours of books, blogs, and science-based research articles, all culminating in me getting my health coaching certification from Dr. Sears Wellness Institute. Using what I have learned from becoming a health coach and my degrees in science and public health, I am slowly rediscovering who I am and what I want to be, and I am thriving more now than ever. I am evolving and growing every day. Some things I try are successful, and others are not, but what does not work for one may work for another. I want to give you options and not tell you what to do because you are your own personal health expert, as I am my own. I am not perfect, and perfection is no longer my goal, nor should it be yours. My goal is no longer perfection but wellness. And that comes in all different forms.

You might be thinking that this all sounds great, but you don't have the time for it. You can barely brush your teeth in the morning, let alone embark on a wellness journey. I am here to help. I am here to guide you through the process and teach you everything I have learned and continue to learn with you. I am here to help you discover what is important to you, to learn with you, grow with you, and help you rediscover yourself, all of which will lead to small changes and better wellness. This is your journey to wellness. I am here to support you, give you new ideas, and tell you that there is no perfect way to be healthier. Do what works for you, in the time that you have with the resources that are available to you. I will give you options, but once you are open to the possibility of living healthier, you will find that options are endless and that you are only limited by your mind or the thought that if you can't do it perfectly, you can't do it at all. Let's learn together and discover what our soul and body are crying out for to be happy, healthy, and well.